Perfectionism, People-Pleasing, and Your Nervous System: How to Break the Cycle

Have you ever found yourself stuck staring at your inbox, unable to send that one simple email? Or maybe you’ve said “yes” to something you didn’t want to do, just to avoid conflict?

You’re not alone—and here’s the twist: those patterns aren’t just “bad habits.” They’re actually your nervous system doing its best to keep you safe.

This week on The Positively Joyful Productivity Show, I sat down with D’Layne Benson, a registered nurse and breathwork facilitator, to dive into why so many smart, capable women get caught in the perfectionism and people-pleasing loop—and how to finally break free.

Perfectionism = Freeze Mode

We often think of perfectionism as working harder, aiming higher, or “powering through.” But D’Layne explained that perfectionism often shows up as freeze mode—your body literally shutting down when faced with impossible standards.

That’s why you can juggle ten things at once, run a household, and lead a team… but sending one email or starting that passion project feels impossible.

Her advice? Start small. Take one safe, doable step instead of overwhelming yourself with the big picture.

People-Pleasing = Fawn Mode

If perfectionism is freeze, people-pleasing is fawn mode—your nervous system’s way of keeping the peace.

It looks like being nice, but really, it’s a survival response. Signs you may be in fawn mode include:

• Saying “yes” when you really want to say no
  
  
• Checking other people’s moods before deciding how you feel
  
  
• Feeling guilty when you rest
  
  
• Constant apologizing
  
  
• Invisible needs—you don’t even know what you want for dinner

Here’s the empowering part: you’re allowed to change your mind. A “yes” today doesn’t have to mean a “yes” tomorrow.

Why Stress Matters More Than You Think

Maybe you’re thinking, I’m not in fight-or-flight, I’m just stressed. But here’s the thing—your body doesn’t know the difference.

Daily stress keeps your nervous system revving, draining your energy, disrupting sleep, and even causing inflammation. Over time, it can create deeper health issues if left unchecked.

That’s why learning to regulate your nervous system is key—not just for productivity, but for your overall well-being.

The Reset Button: Breathwork + Movement

D’Layne guided us through a short breathwork session during the episode, and let me tell you… it worked. I felt the tension in my chest and stomach melt away.

Think of breathwork like closing a bunch of tabs on your computer. Once you reset, everything runs smoother.

Movement is another powerful tool to break the freeze response. A quick stretch, spine roll, or even a few squats can signal to your body: I’m safe. It’s okay to move forward.

Your Next Step

If you’ve been stuck in perfectionism or people-pleasing, remember: it’s not a character flaw. It’s your nervous system trying to protect you.

✨ Start with one small, doable step.
✨ Practice a few minutes of breathwork each day.
✨ Give yourself permission to change your mind.

And most importantly, remember—you’re not broken. You’re human. And your body is wise enough to help you find your way back to joy.

🎧 Listen to the full episode of The Positively Joyful Productivity Show here